


You're My (First) Mate

by jilliancares



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: I'm Sorry, M/M, Pirate AU, enemies to husbands, in which there is a tentacle like creature WITHOUT tentacle porn, maybe for the first time in history, yep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 07:10:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11572980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jilliancares/pseuds/jilliancares
Summary: In which Dan and Phil are pirates and the only way to escape a giant squid monster is to go through the Isle of Marriage, which one cannot sail through unless the captain of a ship is married. Cue forced marriage aboard a pirate ship between two boys that hate each other.





	You're My (First) Mate

**Author's Note:**

  * For [auroraphilealis (thousandrosepetals)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thousandrosepetals/gifts).



Naturally, it hadn’t been their first plan. In fact, they’d had several plans that had come before this one, it was just that so far, none of the others had worked.

“What are we going to do?” Peg Leg Rivers demanded, staring at the captain. Phil looked stressed, his hair a mess from how often he’d run his hand through it. Dan resisted the urge to huff—they wouldn’t be in this mess if Phil had just listened to Dan’s suggestion in the first place. But then, Phil never listened to his suggestions. Honestly, the only reason Dan was first mate was because he was the only one competent enough to not get Phil killed while in the position. Phil definitely wouldn’t have chosen him if he’d had a better crew for this journey.

It’d been months now. Dan hadn’t walked on solid ground for many moons, not that he minded very much. He loved the sea, he was made for it, though of course, that wasn’t the deal for everyone. At night he could hear men whispering and complaining down in the barracks, grumbling that the captain didn’t even seem to have a plan anymore, that he was just taking them in endless circles. Dan was beginning to fear a mutiny, in which case he was obligated to take Phil’s side, being his first mate.

But Phil _was_ being ridiculous. Originally, they’d set out to… erm… secretly obtain… King Robert’s famous golden chalice. Sure, they wanted the money they could get from selling it, along with the glory they would receive from actually being the ones to steal it, but there was more to it than that. It was said that those who drank from the golden chalice could obtain what their heart most desired, and to scrounge up a crew, Phil had promised any member who joined him on his dangerous journey (and lived) would get to take a sip.

He’d come to Dan’s door last, and rather reluctantly, after realizing that he’d obtained barely any experienced pirates and was likely to have a much, much smaller crew by the end of his mission.

“What do _you_ want?” Dan had snarled, after opening the door to what most wouldn’t actually call   a house. More like a hut. Built on land he hadn’t paid for. In secret.

Phil had swallowed his pride (and hatred for Dan) and asked for him to come on the journey. Dan hadn’t been inclined to say yes at first, but Phil had offered to give him, along with a sip from the chalice, a share of the gold. The mention of treasures had made Dan’s fingers twitch, as they always did, and he’d found his traitorous mouth agreeing before his brain had quite finished thinking everything through.

And now he was here. He was first mate and still sleeping in the barracks like a common crew member. He was first mate and his captain was still refusing to take his advice into account. He was first mate and it was very, very possible that he was about to eaten by a giant fucking squid.

Okay, maybe it wasn’t exactly a squid, but… it had tentacles. And sure, there were razor sharp rows of teeth along every tentacle, but what else was Dan supposed to call a giant sea creature with this many slimy legs? Or were they arms?

As Dan watched Phil struggle to come up with some sort of solution, a tentacle snaked up the side of the ship and snatched Two Toed Sam, who screamed once before being plunged underwater.

“We’ll have to fight,” Phil decided, and Dan groaned as Rivers nodded, his mouth now set into a grim line. And Dan knew he wasn’t supposed to argue with his captain, especially not after he’d given a command, and definitely not in front of a crew member, but _honestly_! Phil was going to get them killed!

“Phil,” Dan said sternly. “We have to _run_.”

“ _Captain_ Phil,” Phil corrected, and Dan rolled his eyes. “And I guess that’s how you’ve lived so long, is it? You run from everything that scares you?”

Dan growled. “If you try to fight this thing, you’re going to get us all killed.”

“I am _not_ —”

Right then, Scurvy Joe was eaten by a tentacle masquerading as an abandoned piece of rope on deck, screaming the whole time.

“I know it’s not my place, Captain,” Rivers said, looking at the bloody boots left behind from Joe, “But maybe your first mate is right. Maybe… maybe it is time to run.”

It was better that it was Rivers saying this than some random other crew mate, as he was second mate and held a little bit more standing than the others.

“And just where would you two suggest I run?” Phil demanded. “This… this _thing_ could easily chase us if we headed back through the open sea, and even I’m not sure we could squeeze between those cliffs,” Phil said hotly, gesturing towards the sea behind them and the narrow cliffs before them.

“The isle of marriage,” Dan suggested.

“We’ll never make it through there,” Phil scoffed. The isle of marriage was, well, kind of exactly what it sounded like. Ship captains who were married were allowed to guide their ships through there, as it was believed that a married man was more likely to be on an honorable mission, that he had a wife and children and just wanted to get home safely. Dan had heard all sorts of stories about dishonest ship captains trying to sneak through the isle of marriage only to be smote by the gods. Ships were found wrecked near the entrance and exit all the time. Crews of those ships never came back.

“We _will_ make it through there,” Dan assured. “You just need to marry someone first.”

“You want me to ruin the rest of my life to maybe escape this creature?”

Smelly Beard Stu screamed as a tentacle flailed onto the ship before knocking him overboard. Dan just raised an eyebrow at Phil.

“There are no _women_ on this ship!” Phil snapped.

“The gods have let queer marriages journey through this isle before,” Dan pointed out. It was near, too, only a little ways past the rocky cliffs. It would look like a dangerous path to an unwed man, but to a husband…

“And who do you suggest I marry?” Phil snapped. “Parrotless Pete?”

“Of course not,” Dan answered. “He fell off the boat ten minutes ago.”

Phil groaned in annoyance.

“Just take your pick,” Dan insisted. “It’s your duty to do whatever you can to make sure your crew survives.”

And suddenly, Phil’s eyes glinted mischievously, his mouth spread into a wicked grin. “Alright, fine.” He said. “Marry me.”

Dan felt his face pale. “Not—not me!” he exclaimed. “I meant someone else!”

“Ah, but it was your suggestion,” Phil said wisely. “And if _I_ have to suffer through a marriage I don’t want, so should _you_.”

With that, Phil was climbing the pegs on the side of the main mast while Dan stared after him, horrified.

“Listen up!” Phil shouted. Amongst the running and screaming and pitiful sword-swinging, Phil’s crew members turned to look at him. “We’re escaping this beast—we’re to sail through the isle of marriage!”

“But Captain!” Peewee Clark piped up. Phil glared down at him. “You’re not married,” Clark pointed out.

“Not for long,” Phil said. “First Mate Dan has so graciously offered to marry me to assure our safety.”

A loud cheer went up at that. Dan considered pitching himself overboard.

“How are we even supposed to get married?” Dan hissed, once Phil was back by his side. He’d ordered a crew member to start steering the boat towards the isle of marriage. “ _You_ can marry crew members, and _I_ can marry you, but who could possibly marry _us_?”

“There are three men who can officiate a marriage on a ship,” Phil answered, and Dan stared at him incredulously. He’d never heard of a third crew member being able to marry people. “It’s less heard of, of course, but if the captain were to marry the first mate, the second mate can officiate it.”

“Buckle up, buttercups!” Rivers said joyously. “It’s time to get married!”

All in all, it was a horrifying experience that Dan should’ve known better than to get himself into. They didn’t say any vows, didn’t exchange any rings, and just listened to the marriage speech Rivers read off a piece of paper before being told to kiss. Dan only managed to wrinkle his nose in disgust before Phil was planting a sloppy wet one on his mouth, the rest of the crew cheering as he did.

And Dan was right. They _did_ make it through the isle of marriage alive, though he sulked the whole time.

That night, as the significantly smaller crew made their way to the barracks, Dan headed after them.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Rivers demanded, and Dan stopped short behind him.

“Going to sleep?”

“You’re a married man now!” Rivers roared. “You belong in your husband’s bed!”

With that, the crew mates cheered and rushed back up the steps. A handful of them thrusted Dan onto their shoulders, Dan protesting the whole time, and marched him to the back deck where Phil’s bedroom was located. They were shouting and whooping and bursting into Phil’s room, where they then threw Dan onto the bed despite his protests.

The crew left the room, all laughing heartily, and moments later Phil emerged from the bathroom, patting his face with a towel.

“So that’s what all the noise was about,” he commented. Dan jumped out of the bed, his face red with embarrassment and anger.

“They’re just being dumb,” he said. “I’ll sneak back to my hammock when they’re all asleep.”

“That’d make me look like a bad husband,” Phil pointed out. “You’ll stay here.”

“Phil—”

“ _Captain_ Phil.”

“I’m not calling my husband captain,” Dan snarled.

Phil stepped around the bed and closer to Dan. “Never?” he whispered in his ear, his body suddenly pressed against Dan’s. He felt his breath hitch—but only because he’d been starved of any kind of sexual contact for months, not because it was _Phil_. He shoved his captain away.

“Fuck off,” Dan muttered. He crossed his arms over his chest and stood in the middle of the room. Phil simply shrugged and went about his nightly activities. How _dare_ he pretend like he wasn’t affected by this? Like… like he wasn’t unsettled! Or weirded out!

They hated each other and now they were _married_. What the hell were they supposed to do?

Dan ignored Phil. He studied the odd little nicknacks Phil kept on his shelves and desk, slowly making his way around the room and being nosy about everything there was to be nosy about.

“Blow out the candles when you come to bed, alright?” Phil said, making Dan jump. He’d almost forgotten he was even in here, he was so quiet. Dan spun around, before making a sound in his throat that maybe sounded somewhat like a squeak. Phil was wearing nothing but his underwear.

“Where are your clothes?” Dan demanded.

“You wear clothes all day and they become filthy—you really expect me to sleep in my own filth?” With that Phil crawled under the covers of his bed. “You want the wall side?”

“Fuck off.”

“Alright, I’ll have the wall side.”

Dan turned around and glared at Phil’s desk. He couldn’t sleep here, honestly! It’d be too weird.

Making up his mind, Dan blew out each of the candles in turn and carefully crept out of Phil’s room, assuming him asleep.

Dan creeped about the deck, not wanting to wake those below with his footsteps, and made his way to the main mast. Dan had never been a fan of heights, but he didn’t have any better ideas. So he took to climbing the mast, his hands slippery on the metal rods protruding from it, acting as a downright terrifying ladder. He had to chant to himself not to look down, not to look down, until he made it to the top and into the small crow’s nest. Normally a lesser crew member would sit up here during the day and keep lookout for storm clouds, sea creatures, and other ships, but it was unoccupied now.

Dan curled up in the very small space. Up here, the rocking of the waves was amplified. He felt like he was swinging back and forth, almost dizzyingly, and Dan thanked the gods he had a strong stomach. The stars seemed to be spinning above him, and Dan closed his eyes, praying for sleep.

In the end, he only slept for an hour or two. The stars and moon were still high in the sky when he opened his eyes, his body aching from the cramped position. Dan wondered if that’s what had woken him up.

“Dan!” someone whisper-yelled.

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Dan leaned over the edge of the crow’s nest and looked down, swallowing the bile that rose in his throat when he saw how far down the deck was. And stood somewhere below him was Phil, his skin scarily pale under the moon’s light, though not quite as white as his boxers.

Phil seemed to be looking all around for Dan, peering behind barrels and under nets. He even seemed to be considering going down into the barracks.

Dan sat back down, his head spinning. God, he was high up. And the rocking of the ship wasn’t helping. His stomach felt like jello, and his muscles and neck ached from the position he’d been sleeping in.

But Dan couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to sleep in the same bed as Phil. He didn’t want to take off his clothes because sleeping in his clothes in a clean bed was gross. He didn’t want Phil to act like he wasn’t disturbed by the fact that they were united for life when it was, in fact, disturbing!

“Dan!” Phil said again, louder this time, and annoyance crept up to Dan’s ears.

“What?” he hissed back. Phil paused.

“Where are you?”

“Up here,” Dan answered, leaning over the edge again. He watched as Phil looked up at him, his mouth dropping open.

“Most people consider the crow’s nest a punishment,” he commented.

“I can see why,” Dan groaned. He honestly hadn’t thought he would get sea sick up here, but… Dan groaned again.

“Come down.”

“I can’t.”

“Why the fuck not?”

Dan rested his head on the sun-worn edge of the crow’s nest.

“Too high,” he admitted. “Might fall.”

“I’ll catch you.”

“You’re a liar.”

“Come _down_.”

In the end, Dan only complied because he wanted to, not because Phil had told him to. And also because everything in his stomach felt like it’d been jumbled around and tossed into the sea before being returned to his body.

Going down the ladder was even worse than going up. His hands were sweating on the rungs, his legs shaking as he carefully, carefully stretched one down, gasping as his toes met metal. By the time he made it back to the deck, he was covered in cold sweat and panting as quietly as he could manage.

“Done freaking out now?” Phil asked. Dan glared at him before shoving past him and back into his room. There, he stripped off his outer garments, purposefully left on his undershirt, and climbed into the bed. He clenched his eyes shut and held his body unnaturally still and pretended to be asleep already.

He said nothing as the bed sunk with Phil’s weight, crawling past him. He said nothing as Phil climbed under the covers, his foot accidentally bonking Dan’s knee. He just held himself so still that it hurt. For what seemed like hours, he held himself still, until he finally drifted off to sleep.

—

Sleep had been a horrible idea. After all, sleep meant lack of consciousness, and lack of consciousness meant not knowing better than to snuggle up with your enemy-turned-husband.

Dan woke up pressed completely against Phil’s side, his hand splayed over Phil’s naked chest and his right leg thrown over Phil’s hip. Upon realizing where exactly he was, Dan gasped quietly. Slowly, carefully, he tried to extract himself from the other man, tried to untangle himself from him.

“I never knew you were a cuddler,” Phil commented, his voice sounding completely awake. Dan froze, slowly looking up. He realized then that Phil had been awake the whole time, had witnessed Dan return to consciousness and subsequent attempt at removing himself from Phil’s body.

Dan scrambled away from Phil, his cheeks flushed. He realized that his shirt was hiked up and he bare stomach was showing, and Dan yanked it back down as he noticed Phil looking at the exposed skin, crisscrossed with nicks and scars left over from his many adventures on the sea.

Dan spun around, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and sitting stiffly. He had to admit that he was panicking slightly, his hands clenched into fists in the sheets underneath him, his breaths seemingly fighting their way in and out of his lungs.

He could feel Phil shifting on the bed behind him, and then suddenly there was a hand resting on his lower back, and Dan stiffened even more.

“We could make the best of this, you know,” he said smoothly. His voice was like a low rumble behind Dan’s ear, and it sent shivers down his spine. Dan didn’t want to acknowledge these shivers, didn’t want to acknowledge that voice. Because then he’d have to acknowledge the way he’d been staring at Phil for a few months now, wondering how it would feel to have his lips on his skin, his hands on his body. Obviously being forced to marry him was punishment for having these feelings in the first place.

Phil shifted even more, so that he was sitting directly behind Dan, his legs extending off the bed on either side of him. Dan could feel Phil’s chest against his back. He rested his chin on Dan’s shoulder.

“This doesn’t have to be so horrible, you know?” he murmured. “I mean, either one of us could’ve been married to… say, Boot-Faced Charles. At least we’re both attractive.”

Dan huffed out a laugh. “You just called me attractive,” he pointed out.

“Did you think I thought differently?” Phil asked. Dan didn’t answer. “You’d have to be blind not to see it.” Dan still didn’t answer. “I didn’t just choose to marry you to annoy you,” Phil said, his lips moving against the back of Dan’s neck. “I also did it because we’re obviously the best suited for each other on this ship.”

“How so?” Dan breathed. His voice was soft and shaky, mainly because Phil’s lips were doing something to the back of his neck, making goosebumps rise all along his arms. Phil’s tongue suddenly darted along the shell of his ear, and Dan gasped.

“Well, I can’t imagine our relationship was _all_ hatred,” Phil admitted. “I always wondered if maybe we were just hating each other to cover up something more.”

One of his hands was resting, splayed, over Dan’s thigh. The other one was hot on his side, his pinky finger having somehow managed to slip under Dan’s shirt.

“Maybe,” Dan admitted. At this, Phil’s hand slid further up his thigh. Dan realized that his hands were no longer clenched in the sheets but digging into Phil’s thighs, and when had that happened?

“Can I?” Phil whispered, hot in his ear. Dan gasped, tilting his head back. He nodded, his eyes half-lidded, and Phil’s hand slid under the waistband of his boxers. He took Dan in hand, who shuddered. He leaned back heavily against Phil’s chest, and Phil chuckled quietly, his hand moving slowly over Dan’s cock. He thumbed the slit, making Dan’s breath stutter, his nails leaving crescent marks on Phil’s thighs.

Dan lifted up, using his hands to tug his boxers down this thighs before kicking them off. Taking off his shirt was too much work, but he pulled it up his chest and Phil’s hand chased the bare skin, caressing Dan’s chest and stomach, thumbing lightly over his nipples.

Phil’s hand picked up speed then, pumping Dan faster. Dan was panting, his head thrown back on Phil’s shoulder, his hips jerking up into Phil’s hand.

“Good?” Phil murmured, and Dan moaned an affirmative. He twisted his head, searching for lips, and Phil granted him. It was much better than the kiss he’d bestowed on Dan the day before. His lips were soft, his tongue insistent, and he kissed Dan so wonderfully that it make him dizzy.

Still, Dan couldn’t kiss him for long—he could barely breathe, his body shaking and trembling and Phil’s hand moved over him faster and faster, until Dan’s breath was catching, and he was trying to tell Phil through panted breaths, trying to warn him that—

Dan didn’t make much noise when he came, practically silent except for the small “ah!” that escaped his lips, quickly quieted by Dan clamping his lips back together. He was trembling all over, his body hot and sweaty, Phil’s hand still moving leisurely over his spent cock. Dan finally pushed him away, too sensitive, and sat up a little bit straighter. He could feel Phil’s cock, hard against his back, and he turned his head to look at Phil.

“Do you even have a plan to get the chalice?” he asked. Phil snorted.

“I’m not sure I still want it,” he admitted. Dan raised an eyebrow. “I’m no longer sure what it would give me,” Phil admitted, and Dan felt his face go read.

“Fuck off,” he said, but he was grinning widely. Phil grabbed him and rolled them over on the bed, kissing over his face and neck.

“Maybe it’d give me you,” he said. “You covered in chocolate.”

Dan laughed as Phil began demonstrating what exactly he would do in that situation.


End file.
